This was again taken at her 80th birthday. I took the picture. It hurts to look at it but you see her eyes? Strong, stubborn and loving. It's almost as if there was something she knew, something she was trying to say through her eyes. She never made it to 81.

I may soon be working on my Link journal. Perhaps making more entries here. Things just seem to be going from bad to worse with my life. Not up to explaining. Just...everywhere I turn, there are holes too deep to walk around. I can't find an apartment within my price range. I have to find one for the elderly and disabled. Most cost more than I make. The ones that don't are full. I found one but it was an upper floor. I can't do outside steps..metal steps in winter. Especially if I have to use my crutches.

I don't know if I will get help with heating or not. If I don't, it's going to be a very cold winter. That is just a part of it.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to dump on you. That is why I have taken a vacation from journals. Until I can gain something close to the real me back. The links journal I use to pass the time. So maybe I will have update soon.

Thanks friends.

This was taken in April of last year. We were celebrating her 80th birthday. I remember asking my sister, did she think we would be here doing this. Six years ago she had colon cancer and beat it.....or so we thought. She had the brain tumor then, we just didn't know it.

March of that year I had had my neck surgery. I was in bed for weeks and she took care of me.

June the doctor signed her death warrant. From June until April 4th, I watched my mom fight, and then gradually slip away. She went from the strongest woman I have ever met to nothing. When she got in the car and drove it around the yard and realized she couldn't anymore, that was when the light went out.

I watched her die mentally, emotionally and then physically. It changed me. To what, I am still working on.

Well, I done went and did it. I added a picture to this bloggy thingy. Not the one I wanted but now that I know how, ooh boy, watch out!

I am okay. Lot's of things on my mind. Money mostly...or I should say lack of...so I am still in a whirl. Gotta start apartment hunting soon. Gonna spend the holidays here. I have to complete the circle before beginning a new life. Even if I gotta freeze to do it. I think you all understand.

Be back soon. Thanks friends.

The Beach & Other Things

Thanks for reminding me Krissy. I am sorry.

The beach was better then I hoped. I remember from years ago but when I got my first look at the ocean...it took my breath away. I had tears in my eyes. I actually played in the water! The salt water is great for leg pain. But walking in it and on the sand killed me. I didn't mind. We stayed until Sunday. I dreaded to leave but I was exhausted. I just hope it isn't so long before I can return. I ate good! Seafood here is great but from the ocean it is Heaven!

We grilled shrimp. Oh man!!!

We rented a house and drove a golf cart to the beach. I took lot's of pictures. Soon I will work on figuring out how to put pictures in this here bloggy thing. I promise.

I still have bad days. Today was one. It just hits me all of a sudden like and boom. I am a little girl alone in a store lost.

September is next week. Pretty soon the holidays. You all know how I feel about them. Well my friends, for the first time ever....I don't want them. I will have them. I will decorate. Not like I used too. But this will be my last Christmas in this house. The only home I have ever known. The house my mom and dad built with their own hands. I can't afford it and the winter will be very hard. But I can't leave until I have been through every holiday here without her. It started with Easter. I have to decorate one more time and say goodbye. I can't take my bar with me so this will be my last huge village. I don't really want to set it up but...I have to.

Mom collected nutcrackers. I am giving them to family as presents. I will keep one or two. I collect Santas.

Well, getting close to bed time and my cats are getting restless. I lost one. Sabrina. I let her out to play and she never came back. Something got her. I have three inside now. I will NOT let them out. I can't lose anymore.

Hello friends!

Just a note to let you know I am still kicking. It has and is still hard but things are a shade brighter.

I got my license so I can drive now. That takes some burden off my sister. She is having to pay the insurance which made hers go up but I hope to be able to buy my own someday soon.

My family is going to the beach Wednesday and I am going. I haven't seen the ocean in years! I have had the craving to see it for a long time now. The last time was way before my dad died and he died in 1995. So it has been a loooong time! It will be strange going without mom but I need this. I need something to get excited about. Something to look forward to. We come back Saturday. All it will cost me is my food. Had a yard sell yesterday so have a little spending money.

I haven't forgotten you nor have I abandoned this journal. I will return. I hope soon. God bless you all.

Oops

Hello friends. I am sorry it's been awhile. I just haven't been in a computer mood. I have been busy trying to gather things to have a yard sale cause I really need the cash. Plus, when I move, I can't take everything with me.

I am okay. I go Thursday and try for my license. I am taking it slow. I lost one of my house cats. Sabrina. She went outside to play on the 3rd and hasn't come back. Something happened to her. So I have three now. I won't let the others go out and they aren't happy. I can't lose anymore.

I will be back soon. I just need more time. Thank you all. God bless you all. I love all of you!

Krissy, John, forgive me. I will respond to you soon. I am not doing emails much lately. I just need to deal with this my way. It.......you know.

Sorry

Please forgive me for not writing sooner. I have just been...here. I am learning to drive. I have my permit. My nerve damage is fighting with my brain so I am having to learn how to drive a little differently than normal people. That will take time. My foot is numb so I can't feel the pedals at all. I am having to train my body how to adjust when common sense tells me to do it this way, I have to do it another way.

I just need more time. This has hit me so hard that I can't seem to do much yet. I will be back. Thank you all for your kindness. And your patience.

Remember me?

I am still here. With Mom's birthday, Mother's day and Memorial Day, it feels like I am living in the twilight zone.

Nothing feels real yet. just taking it one day at a time. I haven't forgotten you all. I want to start back with stuff I did before everything went downhill. I just need a little more time.

Bare with me. I have never been through anything like this. Even when dad died, I had mom. Now, I am an orphan. That really bites. I guess no matter how old you are, you still need your mom.

I know I do.

Something happened to computer. Firefox updated and I lost all my saved passwords. I had an extension and it updated and they are gone. Until I find the paper it is all written down on, or I remember or something, I may have to redo it. It saved itself is why I am on here now. I just can't think.

I am okay. Really. Just had a really Twilight Zone week. I am better. Thank you and I am sorry I freaked you all out. I don't remember writing that bit. But since my cats are to lazy to type....

Will be back soon.

I was listening to the radio today. I have been doing that every day. My cats don't know what is going on. First, I was never at home. Now I shut myself up in my bedroom all day and give them free reign of the rest of the house. I have stopped reading. Even my Bible. By the time I come out it is time....past time to sleep. I hate doing that. I have some pretty weird nightmares before but now....

I don't sleep well. It is 9:07 P.M. and I just came out to wash dishes and sit here. I come out to get drinks and feed the cats. I sit here in the mornings and play on here while I drink my coffee and then I take a shower and go off into the bedroom. I haven't started working on mom's bedroom. It is a junk room now. I keep it that way so it doesn't remind me of her. I need to fix it up. Get rid of some stuff. I can't live here forever. I don't even know if I can afford winter here. I need to sell stuff. I need the extra money. One cat is sick and I have no money to take it to the vet.

I don't even know what I am typing. Don't really care. I don't eat. I have to eat more. I am losing more weight. I probably don't weigh 110 now and I have never been that little. I talk to people and let on as if I am doing okay. I don't have the courage nor the energy to tell them different. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk.

The radio woman started talking about Mother's day. I had forgotten about it. I always got her a plant to go in her garden.

I am so messed up. I knew it would be hard but I had no idea I would react like this. I hardly cry. It won't come. I honestly didn't know that losing her would screw up my world so bad. I have lived 43 years with her. This time last year she was taking care of ME! After my surgery. Cutting grass. Planting tomatoes. Suffering without a word.

Then she lingered for four days. It was torture. she would almost die and come back. Over and over and over. She tried to talk. She looked at me and said things and I could not understand her. I couldn't understand what she fought so damn hard to say. Some told me she said at one point to me that I was the baby. I wish they hadn't said that.

Those four days is what I really can't get past. It was pure hell. I came home the second day and slept because I hadn't slept in two days. I was running into walls. I would walk the halls of Hospice House. I went home the third night because I didn't sleep much. I had packed to stay until it was over. My friend took me. We stopped to eat and my sister called and said to hurry. We were almost there. I didn't even wait for her to stop the car good and I ran. I can't run but I did and I got there just in time to watch her stop breathing.

I don't know what to do. I am trying to drive. I need to study to get my permit but I can't. My sister is expecting me to try for them soon. I want to. I need to but the energy it takes to do that is too much. I am drinking again. Not a lot but I have a problem. I am afraid. I am so tired. God help me.

Another Update

Hello friends. I am still here. Sorry it's been so long. I have just been sort of in a daze. Not crying much, just sort of...dazed.

I try to do housework and I end up walking in circles and staring into space. My friend came and rearranged the living room for me. So it is mine now. I needed it to not look like hers.

My sister and i have some business to take care of today. I am just now doing the thank you cards. We have to go and fill out a form to have the death date added to the tomb stone.

I feel as if I am doing this for someone else. Someone else family. It is so strange.

I will be back soon. I need to settle down and get on with my life. I have something to tell you all but i don't have the time right now. So I will be back. It will make you cry and give you chills. I hope I can type it without falling apart. But it is a good thing.

Be back soon. Thank you all. More than you will ever know, you guys are my rock. I mean that.

Update

Mom died late yesterday afternoon. My best friend and I were at Sonic eating when my sister called. It was just right down the road. She floored it. I got there just in time. She stopped breathing just a couple minutes after I got there.

The funeral is tomorrow.

I am numb. I don't know how or what I am feeling right now. It was very peaceful. I didn't stay to see the funeral director take her away. Tomorrow will be.....

I will return. When...I don't know. I need time.

Thank you all so very much. My mom now knows all of you and knows what a wonderful group of friends you are. I am so very lucky. God has truly blessed me.

Update

Hello friends.

At 1:10 A.M. April 1, (You might know it would be April Fools day; my mom has this thing for holidays, will explain later) Hospice House called me and told me to call the family in. She had taken a turn for the worse and it was bad. My sister made record time getting me and getting us there. She was bad indeed. We thought we had made it just in time. My niece was on her way and we knew she would be gone before she arrived. Her eyes were set and she had the death rattle.

Well, we are still waiting for the old girl to go home.

We are there around the clock now. I am home. I slept here to rest. The doctor came in this morning and said we will probably see you tomorrow!

She just won't give it up.

We have said our goodbyes.....many times. It is sad but almost to the point of being funny. We have all joked about it. We have to. Knowing her it will be Easter. Or New Years.

She takes a turn, we call the family back, the ones who have gone to rest and then as soon as they get there she rallies. We have finally begun to get upset when that happens. I called this morning and my sister said the doctor told her I may see you tomorrow and I just laughed. It get's bad when you pray, please God, would you take the old woman! We're tired!

My niece went to work and her friends asked how is your grandma? She said "ah hell, she's still fine!" They gasped but she explained that mama would not want this. Her blood pressure is better than mine sometimes! Then a few minutes later, it will hit bottom. than boom. Back. They have her on morphine to keep her sedated because she moans. She isn't in any pain that we know of. It is just that she is breathing very shallow and she moans. just air through the vocal cords. They have a patch on her for the mucus in her lungs to control the death rattle.

She is at peace. She opens her eyes at times and we talk to her but she doesn't respond. So we sit and joke around. That is our way of dealing. She is with God. A part of her already is. I beleave that. We are the ones going through hell. So we cope by jokes.

I must go back. I will let you know when the time comes. I don't come home much. They have a computer but it acts up and doesn't let you do things much.

It may be the fourth of july. Knowing her. God help us all.

Still Here

Would you believe the Alien story now?

Anyway, a lot has happened since we last talked. The cath is out. Mom has stopped eating. They stopped us in the hall last time we went. My bro-in-law brought her some old timey hoop cheese and he got her to eat a bite or two. My uncle is the only one who can get her to eat. He shoves it down her throat! Little brother has the touch. But my sister was able to get hold of her chart. She weiged 106 when we took her a month ago. She weighs 96 now.

She refuses to take most of her meds. They are bitter. They have tried crushing it up in every food & drink they have and no luck. My sister who is a nurse and works at a rest home says that this is normal and as long as her vitals are within semi-normal range, leave her alone. Get what they can in her. She is in no pain that we know. Of course she keeps things to herself. She hicups a lot but my sister said it's because her stomach is empty. That may be the way she goes. She smiles at the nurses and CNA's. They spoil her and she eats it up.

We are getting things ready. My sister has P.O.A. so she went online and begin the funeral plans. We will go and pick out.....soon.

We decided that we need to do this now. We aren't going to be in our right minds when the time comes. She already has a plot and stone so tht is done. My best friend is going to sing. I fixed that and told her the songs cause I won't remember stuff like that. I didn't when dad died. This will be even harder. It's strange doing this. It is strange knowing that this time it will happen. There are no second chances, no drugs nothing that will save her. I am not sure how I feel. I catch myself thinking about it in the shower. I force myself to stop. This is really happening. I am really on my own for good now. Whoa.

I am doing something I thought I never would nor could. I am trying to learn to drive. I never learned because (and the family doesn't know the reason) I used to drink when I was younger. A lot. I did have enough brain cells to not get behind the wheel. For a long time I couldn't give it up so I......

Now, it is my body I am fighting. My legs are better since the last surgery but they still act up. Sometimes my muscles twitch bad enough that when I go to take my foot off the gas, I hit it instead. I have no control. My sister is hoping I can learn to control it. But I am afraid. This is a weapon I am in. Until I gain control, I do not trust myself. I may never be able to. Nerve damage doesn't go away. What if I get on the road and my legs go all screwy for a second. That is all it will take. My right is the worse but when it does it my left leg does the opposite. So I either hit the brake too hard, not enough, or the gas. I have to use my left foot for break because my reflexes aren't good enough. So when my legs do the opposite of what I want. not good.

So far I haven't hit anything. I am just riding around the yard. I backed it into our carport! mom said I could back better than go forward when her and I did it once. I drove down our driveway and backed into the front yard, got the mail and pulled it into the carport. It is a one car carport. I am proud of myself. So far I have done okay. But my legs scare me. I also can't turn to look behind me as good as I need to. My neck is and always will be stiff. I don't have the range of movement like I used to.

Told my family to give me time. I wanted to start this alone. So I could concentrate. I can't do anything when someone is with me. I will ask my sister soon to get in there with me but I need to be alone. I told them I have to do this at my own speed. not theirs. I know it would be a big help to them. I wouldn't have to call them everythime I needed to go anywhere. I don't want to be a burden. I can't take that.

Okay. The dryer has stopped whether I want it to or not. Time to do housework. There is only me and the cats so not much to do but I am getting lazy. Gotta stop that. I have something I want to do on here. I will soon. It is about mom. I will do it. Soon.

Until then, thank you all. God bless and enjoy spring and each other. Before it's too late.

Update On Update

Sorry it's been awhile. I have no excuse. I could have said I was abducted by really cute aliens and we went cruising through Hklldsdd but I decided to be truthful.

I'm lazy.

Okay, now that that's out of the way.....ma is doing better. Still has cath in her. She doesn't drink enough so it will never be completely well. We went and saw her yesterday. She ate some for us. Chicken livers. Yuck!

It is cold and rainy here. Been that way for days. I guess winter got mad at me for singing the songs of spring and decided to slap me upside the head to remind me that it ain't over! Sorry winter.

Soon I am going to try to get back to the old days. Spruce up the sidebar there and work on my Link Archive. I miss y'all. Until then, I must go and do some work. Trying to get this house back in order. Yea...right.